21 Funny quotes about life situations

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he's too old for it.

You're not too old when all your friends start to get married. You're too old when all your friends start to get a divorce.

Mirrors don't lie. And lucky for some, they don't laugh either.

My boss came into the office just as I was in Linkedin, lucky I could move quickly to porn.

Dance like no one is watching, because they're not, they're too busy checking their phones!

Some days I feel like a million dollars... some days I feel like a food stamp.

I hate waiting for people who are late, that's why I show up late, just in case.

The eggplants of the woman before me in the cash line spread out and the cashier weighed  them separately.
Me (to the cashier): do me a favor, check that the pine nuts bag is sealed tightly!

Sometimes the best way to stay out of troubles is to take a nap.

Sport is like sex: if you're not doing it you probably watching it.

- Hunny, how do you call that thing you said I'm missing?
- Vocabulary.

- What is special about our cafe is that people feel at home in it.
- Lovely. Can I see the menu?
- No.There isn't. Go to the kitchen and eat pasta from yesterday over the sink.

Why is it call beauty sleep when you wake up looking like a troll?

BC - before christ
BK - before kid

Catwoman and Wonderwoman called superheroes, because what woman is able to hang out with the same clothes all the time?

Growing up is sucks because you understand that 100$ is not much money.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
When we look for something, we find it always in the last place that we searched. So why not start there?
It's ok if you don't like me. Not everyone has a good taste.

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